826 WRITING & TUTORING CENTERS - - - - You feel poor. We feel poor. Let's feel poor together. This week only, almost everything is half-price in our online store. Escape the holiday rush and cross every name off your list in one cheap swoop. - - - - For information about the David Foster Wallace Memorial Fund, please click here. - - - - The 826 writing centers are looking for interns. For details, click here. - - - -
BY SUNG J. WOO- - - - The lights, the people, the music. As you croon into your mike about the vagaries of human behavior, the fans go wild. And why shouldn't they? This is a song they've loved for years, your first international hit. You're a rock star, and here you are, on center stage, in front of a sellout crowd. Life is good ... except for that man in a bear suit rushing toward you. The security team attempts to tackle him, but they're too late. He's brown, he's furry, and he's got you in a bear hug, and suddenly everything goes dark. - - - - BJÖRK: The Great Underground Musician Adventure Inside the Well You are standing at the bottom of a deep, dark well. Up above, you can see daylight. There's a table here. > verbose Maximum verbosity. > climb out Ladies do not climb dirty, nasty well walls for any reason. > stand on table Unless you plan on dancing, don't stand on the table. > look at table On the table is a teacup, a teapot with steaming hot tea, and a dish of sugar cubes. > put sugar cubes in cup, pour tea into it, and drink it Boy, is that a sweet cup of tea! You only drink half, because drinking the rest of it might kill you. Maybe it's the intense high from the sugar, but suddenly there's a swan under the table. The bird looks at you with distrust. > grab bird The bird is as quick as it is beautiful. It darts away from you. > sing "Come to me / I'll take care of you" The swan happily waddles over. > grab bird As if in one of your many wacky videos, the bird transforms into the swan dress you wore for the 2001 Oscars. > get dress and wear dress After you put on your tutu, you almost feel like you could fly. > fly away You feel a little silly after flapping your arms about for a bit. > drink tea Are you sure? It could kill you. > drink tea You know, I'm just going to pretend you didn't just type that. It's nice down here in the well, nice and quiet and cool. You don't want to be out there. Have you seen what's happened to Iceland's economy? > drink tea OK, OK. Don't say I didn't warn you. You drink the tea, and you feel yourself floating up and up and up. Top of the Well As your head pops over the lip of the well, you find a noose slipping around your neck. Lars von Trier, sitting in the director's chair, yells, "Action!" You get a couple of notes out, but then you stop floating and instead start falling, and ... **** You have died **** Your score is 2 out of 100, in 13 moves. This gives you a rank of Bragi Ólafsson. ***END OF SESSION*** - - - - OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES: - - - - BJÖRK: The Great Underground Musician Adventure By Sung J. WooAtlas Shrugged Updated for the Current Financial Crisis By Jeremiah Tucker From Machiavelli's The Jonas Brother By Jack Stuef Selections From My 2008 Fall Catalog By Amy Halloran Noted Post-Marxist Sociologist, Philosopher, and Cultural Critic Slavoj Žižek Welcomes You to the Gym By Evan Johnston |
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